I write things in my head all the time. I just forget them by the time I get to a computer. I don't own a pencil. If I could have a digital recorder in my brain, it might make things a little more interesting around here but alas I do not so this is what you get.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY blowtorch_betty
You're strong, beautiful and I feel lucky to call you a friend. I think back to when we first met at Urban Outfitters and I am stunned by the journey life has taken us both on. Rock fucking on girl.
I had a disturbing dream a few weeks ago that I haven't been able to get out of my head. I'm going to write it down.
It is a bright day, sunny and warm. I am sitting in a large SUV type vehicle with a group of other people. I don't recognize any of them but it does not feel unusual to be grouped with them. I'm sitting in the front passenger seat of the car but I'm facing the rear of the vehicle. We're parked in a large square next to a tall, glass building. Somewhere in the background, a man is lecturing and we are listening to him.
Suddenly, a girl in the car jumps out of the car and runs into the building. The man lecturing makes some remark about how she "must already know all she needs" and we all understood she was running because of something she had seen in the building. We're looking up and see lights flickering on one of the floors in the building. Barely seconds have gone by and then, so quickly, before anyone has a chance to look elsewhere, a woman comes leaping out of the building from the floor above the flickering lights and plunges to the pavement. It happened quickly but I can recall every detail about her fall. She was wearing a long, full, brown skirt and a cream colored top. She had a hippy-like quality to her dress and had colorful scarves and beaded necklaces wrapped around her neck. She was carrying an army green canvas bag that was across her shoulders. She had shoulder length brown hair and the most peaceful and serene smile on her face I've ever seen. I turned my head just before she landed.
She hit the pavement hard and only a few feet from where we were parked. The window of the vehicle was open and her blood splashed inside and onto my arms and the side of my face. I spent a few minutes paralyzed, covering the left side of my face with my arm so as to not see her body on the ground. I kept picturing how it looked though so although the image wasn't technically something I was looking at, it was visible to me.
I woke up, feeling terrified and still trying to shield my eyes.
So with that, here's what's up:
- Went to Jamaica in June for a "grown-up" vacation. No family, no kids. Just me, John, books, beach and rum for 10 days. Loved it.
- Finally achieved silver status with BA, meaning I have a slightly higher than 0% chance of getting upgraded on my trips to India.
- Looking at moving to Denver. Boston is dreary, mountains are awesome, houses are cheaper. Nuff said.
- Tons of work stuff but since this journal is published in areas that allow workfolk find it and read it, I recognize I'll need to be a bit more selective about what I write so as not to find myself dooced. I may or may not choose to do more writing that will be friends only. I guess the only way YOU'LL be able to find out is if you get an account and I add you as a friend.
- Oh, and just to clear up the percoset coma comment, I have a herniated disc in my neck that manages to keep me in a constant state of discomfort. Really, that's all it is.
Aaanyhow, like I said, keeping it brief tonight as that stiff, uncomfortable excuse for a bed is calling to me. Also, because I'm genuinely curious to know if anyone is out there listening, drop a comment when you come visit. It may even guilt me into writing more often.
If nothing else, I finally got off my arse and posted some pictures from India (or more to the point, got on my arse and sorted through some of them).
All pictures are public and since I still haven't quite figured out how to post them here in a post well, you'll have to surf over to http://pics.livejournal.com/rubyred
I am not happy about my 6 month check up test results. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad about them or anything. But let's just be clear, when you ask me how I'm doing and I tell you "good" what I add in my head every time is "for now". And this does not feel morbid to me. It just feels like reality. That's the thing with cancer I guess. You're fine until the day you aren't.
My family, my friends, even co-workers are all so happy about my 6 month test results. Like it's some kind of "win" in the fight. It's not guys. It's not anything to celebrate. It doesn't give me any kind of comfort to hear that my test results show no evidence of disease. Because CT scans from this exact time last year didn't show evidence of disease either and yet it was there. And my blood never had any tumour markers so we don't even discuss my CA 125 levels as a meaningful testing tool. So all I have is a scan that shows I don't have any more large growths in my body. And I'm glad for that, I am. But I'm not breathing any sighs of relief here. I'm glad I'm fine right now. I'm glad I don't have anything visible to worry about. But when you hug me and squeal with delight over my test results, I'm faking it when I smile back and agree about how great it is.
So I'm back from India, I'm older and I'm free of disease.
That's my update for now.
PS - there are a lot of people out there that I'm not doing a very good job of staying in touch with. I'm sorry. I'm having problems making time for myself these days (sort of took the whole "throw yourself back into life" think a little too seriously and I'm way overwhelmed at work) and it's impacting personal relationships which is NOT my intention. I need to do a better job here. To the friends I haven't talked to in awhile, I miss you, I love you and I think of you often. Please bear with me while I figure out how to be a better friend.
Where was autosave when I needed it?
Argh, so annoying too because I see LJ just autosaved this TWO SECOND post.
Here are a few of things that have been swirling in my mind:
I have hair again. It's like being a different person. I resented it being gone and I resented it growing back. People looked at me like I was trying to be some kind of new radical with my budding crew cut. It pissed me off more than the fake sympathy smiles I would get as a pure baldy. At least those had good intentions.
The 7th anniversary of my mom's death was August 9th. 7 years. But it doesn't matter. 1 year, 5 years, 7 or 20. She's still as dead as she ever was and it still sucks. I had some really painful dreams about her this summer. Vivid, gut wrenching, emotional dreams where she was still alive but about to get the phone call that would tell us nothing was ever going to be ok again and feeling that hurt and fear of what was coming next all over again.
I had my three month check up, it was uneventful. Ct scans and ultrasounds await me in November.
India was amazing and I need to still sort through my pictures. I'm going back in a month. I should really get the photos from the first trip posted before I go. :)
My journal always ends up feeling kind of angry and bitter but actually things are going really well right now. Work is busy, stressful but in that energizing kind of good way. John and I are doing really well despite some rocky patches in the spring. We spent a lot of time together this summer having FUN again. Go figure. :)
Louise - thank you for poking me. It's good to feel worried about even if we'd all rather not have the reason to worry.